Satirical Writing

Here at the London Nautical School, we are known for our kind students, loving atmosphere and modern facilities. We are quite proud of how young students are able to go to the older students and be turned away with such love and grace, with a hint of swear words. We are also very proud of how wisely our income is spent; 10% goes towards cleaning and sanitation then the other 90% goes towards green pens, yellow and red cards and really bad chairs. We are proud of our recycling, every few weeks during lunch, a dinner lady sneaks out to turn the fire alarm on and, with all the other dinner ladies, collect the food that is left to provide for the next few weeks. No food is wasted.

I am confident in saying that our toilets are very hygienic, they shine with graffiti and sparkle with diarrhoea. The actual toilet seats are nicely stocked up with poo which brings a very unique scent that only The London Nautical has. Hang on. We could make a fragrance out of it. We could make loads of money from it and use the money for even more broken chairs. it’s a really good idea, anyway, the taps and sinks are home to amazing creatures like spiders and are filled with tissue and blood. It’s a generous thing from the guys. They love attracting friends and dirt for them to live on, it just adds more value to the school and separates us from many other schools. It puts us in our own category. Even the maintenance staff have come to realize that they should just leave all the dirt there because if they cleaned it, the creatures would leave and that would be catastrophic for the school.

Ofsted loves to visit and they say really nice things about us, we are a satisfactory school which the governors and school staff are very proud of. When an Ofsted inspector comes, they never leave because they love the school so much but it is rumored that each inspector is actually killed and their ghosts are kept in the basement to torment kids during detentions so that they are NEVER late again. It’s effective I guess. I have no problem because I’m never late. The office ladies are really nice and are the most helpful people you will ever meet, They are always there to put an ice pack on anything, a cold, broken leg, heart attack or seizure, they have ice packs for everyone and everything.

Our school focuses on the important and serious issues such as the type of hairstyle you have, whether or not you have a slit in your eyebrows or if you aren’t wearing your jumper (or blazer if you are in KS4). These things help us to become better people and will get us the grades at GCSE’s and A-level’s that we want if we don’t do them.

If you run in the corridors there is always a member of staff to tell you off and give you a yellow card, it shows how alert the staff is but how playful they can be by issuing yellow or red cards- they treat it like a football game haha.

Our food is the best out of all the schools in Stamford street. We cut down to almost 0% salt which is really healthy and they’ve made the prices of drinks that are high in sugar, overwhelmingly expensive which helps to stop kids from buying them and pushing them to the healthier, cheaper options that have no taste.

Our library is always quiet because not many people go there. The librarian doesn’t let anyone noisy in. It creates a working environment and helps to keep the books dusty and tidy, I think that’s why the librarian doesn’t let anyone in her library, to keep the books neat, duh. The library has high level security, an alarm that goes of when it senses anything go by, and rings so that everyone can hear and look at the culprit at the door. It’s a very effective technique, the attention and dirty looks that the thief receives causes them to emotionally break down and return the stolen item. It stops them, and everyone watching, from ever stealing in the future. It’s a really good alarm. Sometimes, however, I do see certain people walk out of the library with a book in their hands holding it above the alarm and the it doesn’t go off so the alarm has it’s weak area.

Detentions are always the best, everyone sleeps which makes it quiet while the teacher on duty just glances up every now and then to check for anything unusual. Some boys sit behind pillars and go on their phones or just chat to their friends for half an hour and once they’re done, they just simply walk out.

Safe. Simple. Helpful. Productive. That’s the London Nautical School.